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May day

01 Oct

Today was a ‘may day’. I refer to it as this as the downward
Spiralling action of a jet fighter is perfect for describing my feelings and the useless way my brain decides to work on one of these days. It takes one negative thought to push me over the edge. Today’s theme for this down ward spiral
revolved around missing people. I often loose interest in life and just sit in the garden unable to stimulate myself to
Do anything, at least today the weather was nice for this kind of thing! But I couldn’t help but wonder how different things would be if Z was here with me in our little house playing happy families. I knew she’d gone of on holiday with her new fella which probably didn’t help matters but today I really missed her. Why is it that I can only think of the good times we had together when I think of her and tend to block out the crappy things like the arguments, the cheating and so on. Even though she betrayed my trust and gave me mental issues that I never think I’ll be rid of, I’d still take her back in a heart beat if she asked me to, it’s a good job she’s happy without me. This iswhen I first felt myself start to spiral out of control, I knew it was going to be one of those days where I feel sorry for myself and dwell on everything negative. I hate it when I get into one of these moods, it’s not until after that I realise that I’m being ignorant and not thankful for everything I do have in life. Back to the spiralling motion anyway… The thought of missing Z and the usual thoughts that creep in telling me that I pushed her away and I’m not good enough for someone like her only make things worse. Its like by brain actively seeks out everything that’s similar that has happened in my life. Thoughts of my 1st ex and the rocky way in which we ended springs to mind closely followed by memories of the day J stopped talking to me.my brain, unsatisfied with the big losses to the people
Closest to me, decides to scrape the barrel and read into matters that deep down I know aren’t there but for some reason get dreamt up anyway. I use the obvious one of my mom moving to another country, I know this has nothing to do with me but my brain decides that for today only, it’s totally my fault and she’s abandoned me. I seem to actively look for things and to some extent, make things up in order to fuel the shitty feeling – why I do this? I have no idea. I miss everybody today, i feel lonely and trapped in my little garden even though i know that the closest people are
only a few phone buttons away from me. I just can’t find it in me to do it though, in this over sensitive time the slightest thing becomes a negative, if I text someone and they don’t text back my brain goes through a dozen negative scenarios with the though that I’ve successfully pushed another person away at the centre of most of them. I miss my childhood, I miss playing out with neighbours after school, I miss C being here and randomly talking about nothing important. I even miss tv characters from programs that aren’t on anymore, yes it really does become that pathetic.
On a ‘may day’ all these things weight down on me and crush my normal thought process. Everything becomes 10 times harder to concentrate on and I begin to make mistakes, so after completing what little work I had to do to satisfy my boss till Monday, I decided sitting in the garden and letting my useless brain do it’s thing was the best action to take. One good thing though, the ‘may days’ of today are far safer then those of about a year ago. This is where I like to switch to metaphor mode… My spiralling hopelessly out of control jet plane has an eject button. I’ve always been to scared to use it, mainly because I haven’t got the balls and the fact that my deeply catholic nan would never be able to get her head around it, the thought of disappointing her hurts me more then anything else. I rarely think about the ‘eject’ button now, I guess I have become more confident that I can gain control of my brain and steer it back to safety in time. I like this metaphor because When I’m not spiralling out of control I feel like I’m on auto pilot, just getting by with life waiting for something to happen. My brains a crap pilot
DD

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Posted by on October 1, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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