04 Oct

What the hell im I doing???

Have you ever just stopped what you’re doing and thought, what am I doing here. I know that’s a little vague but its the kind of mood im in at the moment. Each day just seems to start and end without any real relevance, I feel my whole life is going nowhere and I don’t know how to sort it out. I wouldn’t even know where to start!

Today I picked up my new laptop, my previous one was stolen from my house last month. I love gadgets and new things, I love organising them and setting them up. Not even this made me feel better about today.

I want to go back to America, it was the last time I was truly happy. I went on a trip around the east coast with strangers and have never felt more at home. I am one of the most un-sociable people I know, the thought of going away and having to spend two weeks with complete strangers used to scare the hell out of me. I only did it because I thought I needed to push myself out into an awkward situation and learn how to react with the rest of civilisation – I was spending far too much time on my own and felt I needed to meet new people, gain more friends and somewhere in the process, meet someone new. I had a few close friends that were the centre of my life and a girlfriend who was everything to me.

Things didn’t go to plan with Z, when she left it changed me. I became very withdrawn and self loathing, this was ok though because I knew it was my fault, I’d pushed her away, I pushed the best thing in my life to the point she couldn’t be around me anymore. I didn’t see it coming, it took me a while to get over the shock before I could even begin to get over her, I didn’t think it possible that she’d leave me like that. I became even more reliant on my friends for company, too clingy some might say. I didn’t see it at the time but I recon I got on everybody’s nerves, like a dog always after attention. This is probably why J decided that he’d just stop talking to me all of a sudden, that too happened instantly and completely took me by shock. He was like a brother to me. The loss of him and Z has left me numb and unable to become emotionally attached to anybody else. I still have friends that im close to and I still panic that I talk to them too much, I still worry when they don’t reply that I have managed to push them away too, but I don’t need their attention in the way I used to.

My perception on people has changed, everyone seems to be out for themselves, no one things about others anymore. I’ve often thought about joining a cult, i know they’re scams and drain you of money, but everyone seems censored to the outside world, they all seem happy and content with their falsely affectionate cult. I want to feel like I belong to someone, like im needed, I want to believe people when they say nice things, believe that people truly are decent.

It’s weird how it takes years and years to build up a close-knit bond with someone, you get to know everything about them and they become completely entwined in your life and then in the blink of an eye, you don’t mean anything to them anymore. I can’t get my head around it, I just couldn’t do that to someone.

Today things got worse for me and I’ve realised I need to do something about it, I just don’t know what. I need help.



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Posted by on October 4, 2011 in friends, self loath, trust


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