Today was another long day for me but it’s playing on my mind that I haven’t blogged for a while. A new apprentice has started at work and I’ve been put in charge of him… great! It means that I can’t start and finish when I want, I now have to come up with reasons as to why I want to bugger off early or have a sleep in. It doesn’t help that he’s really clever, he picks me up on every little mistake that I make and has even found a few shortcuts that I missed. while this does have it’s good points, It also puts me under a little pressure. I hat to get up at 6.30 today to make sure I was in the office in time for him!
K stopped at mine last night for the first time in a while. We had a massive argument a few days ago and it ended in me telling her I’m not happy with our relationship and that I think were not working. The argument was over something small, It basically centred around whether we should take some water to our local pet store from the fish tank because one of the fish dies. We were told we could have the water tested for free, so there wa no reason not to really (which was my argument). She knew I was right but continued to argue that there was no point because it would only tell us that the ammonia levels will be a bit high because we took the filter out while we treated the fish! This argument went on for about an hour, we dug up everything as usual until it got to the point where I just couldn’t stand to be around her anymore. I told her I don’t love her anymore and we’ve been falling apart for some time.
In the end she agreed to give me some space. During this time I ave missed being in a relationship. I know she’s not the right person for me but I honestly don’t think I’ll find anyone else. i know that sounds bad, I shouldn’t be with her if I have thoughts of leaving but I just don’t know what to do. Anybody have any suggestions?
My problem is that I lack confidence in a big way doubled with the fact that I’m not really sociable or good-looking. I wish finding someone who you get a long with and are attracted to would be easier, there’s no science or statistics to it, which is why I can’t grasp it. I mean, I have a lot to offer, I consider myself to be kind and considerate, I love making people happy and trying to help them anyway possible, I can be a little geeky which probably doesn’t help matters but I do love being silly and having a laugh and I consider myself to be quite loyal (I know I have made mistakes, but if I was in love with K then that would never have happened). materialistically I have a positive side too I have my own car and house, I have a decent job and get on well with my family. Ok this is starting to sound like a dating site add but the reality is, I have loads of bad points too. I already mentioned that I’m not good looking, I’m not happy with my body at all, I find it hard to see why anybody could be physically attracted to me. I think I’m boring too, I enjoy my geeky interests and hobbies but they’re not the kind of thing you advertise to the opposite sex – not unless your trying to send them to sleep. mentally, I’m not the most stable of people. I have breakdowns every now and again when life gets too hard. I get stressed easily and panic a lot. I’m over protective and can be a little clingy some times, I get jealous easily and hate being on my own.
C has her own relationship problems. Everybody probably does. I’d give anything for someone to think about me in the way C thinks about the guy she likes. She is totally head over heals for him and practically worships him. I’d be the happiest person alive if anybody cared about me as much as that. I feel sorry for her though because this bloke seems to be messing her about. From what I know of it, he like’s her too. He’s in an unhappy relationship and won’t leave her for C though. (she hasn’t asked him too and they’re not dating, but he must know that there’s a thing between them, It’s plain to see) He clearly doesn’t know how lucky he is to have someone as nice as C devoted to him like she is. apart of me is worried that if they do get together, I’ll hear from her less, It’s common in my experience to lose friends over new partners. My life would be far worse without her as a friend though and the thought of it makes me anxious enough to need a little self medication. At the same time though, I want her to be happy. She deserves to be happy and I’d take comfort in the fact that she would be happy. even though I know she’ll probably read all this, It’s stuff that I could never tell her, it would come out wrong if I tried.
Girls don’t get to see most of these negative points because they don’t give me the time of day in the first place. I get nervous and shy when a girl shows interest in me. I over thinking the situation and always try yo guess how they feel or what they’re thinking. I can’t read the signs, I can’t even tell if there are signs there anyway! Things would be better if there was some kind of a course that I could take. I’m good at learning things.
My point is, I’m not a bad person. I just wish the right person would hurry up and realise they’re ment to be with me and come find me.