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Dilemas

09 Nov

 

It’s been a busy few days for me and I don’t know where to start. I suppose I should start by warning potential readers that this is likely to be a whiney post about my problems and there won’t be any pictures to view this time. this is purely a post about my life, my problems and my messed up confused and emotionally numb head.

 Right, now that you’ve all left. I can continue. I best start with the whole cheating episode. K knows I’ve cheated on her, she found out a little while after I left her by raiding my Facebook and reading my personal messages. I should be angry about this I guess, but I just don’t care. I should be feeling guilty about cheating on her, but I just don’t care. I should be moving on but I just don’t seem to care. I’m stuck in a rut and don’t seem to care about anything at the moment. I’ve lost the ability to worry and care and be bothered about anything. There’s a million things I need to do and there all piling up. This usually results in a big anxiety attack where I rush about making lists of things to do and madly trying to do the things on them like there’s not tomorrow. It will hit me soon I’m sure.

Back to K. After our argument which resulted in us breaking up and her taking everything she ever bought out of my house. I thought, “that’s it. She’s gone, It’s over. Time to move on with my life and concentrate on other things”. Then she found out I’d cheated. I continued to think, ” It’s definitely over now, there’s no way she’ll want to get back with me anyway”. As usual I was wrong. things couldn’t just be that simple for me.

This next bit may paint K in a bit of a negative light but I’m only stating the facts remember, make of it what you will. She rang me explaining that she was pregnant. she hadn’t taken a test but she just knew. This story line had been used far too many times ion TV and in films. Boyfriend leaves his girlfriend, Girlfriend wants boyfriend back, Girlfriend tell’s boyfriend she’s having his baby. coincidence she tells me just after we split? hmmm. It gets better. I tell her to take a test. she decides to book an appointment with the doctor instead. ( This all happened late on Saturday / Sunday) Monday morning at 8:15,  I get a text from her saying that she has been to the doc’s, she was experiencing pain and found out that she was in the process of losing the baby.

The thought of me being a dad did creep into my mind I’ll admit. I knew (and told her) that it wouldn’t be a good idea for us to bring up a child with all our problems and the fact that we’d just split up. But still, I could have a child, It scared me and excited me. Then the thoughts that she may be lieing to get me back and may have made it all up hit me. Before I had time to process it all (I needed a lot of time to figure things out) I was told that it’s gone and it’s not an issue anymore.

Ok so back to square one right? NO! K continued to text / call me explaining that she still wants to be with me and she can forgive me if I forgive her for hacking into Facebook.( She fails to realise that this isn’t the main issue. We’d split up before all that happened. I just don’t have feelings for her anymore) I don’t like hurting or upsetting people and tried my hardest to keep her from being hurt over it all. Obviously I have mixed feelings. My head is everywhere, she continues to ‘persudae’ me that things will be different if we gave things another try.

Right I feel better now all that’s out. I know in my heart what I need to do but its difficult to go along with.

If there’s anyone who made it to the end of this post…

a) congratulations for not falling asleep or switching to something else

b) I’m sorry

DD

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