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Category Archives: indecision

Jiminy Cricket!

I found this little critter on my last trip to Spain. i always ake sure to take my Macro lens with me when I go, I love hunting around for their weird and wonderful insects and plants. I managed to tak a few of him whilst he was happy sat on his leaf and a number of shots where he’d jumped off and I hadn’t even noticed. that was a fairly productive day for my camera and I. I can’t remember the last day i woke up and thought, “right, all I plan on doing today is to take a load of pictures”.

i guess a trip to Spain is what the Dr is trying to perscribe, a place where I can rest and not worry about the little problems that day to day life brings whilst back at home. I think I take better pictures when stress free too. i tend to worry less about people stairing at me with my big camera and lens and focus more on my surroundings and whats going on.

I’m in a place at the moment where there’s no one I can go with though. I like going off for a few hours on my own but would probably find it boring going over there on my own. So for now, my next trip to sapin is on hold. Could have done with some sun too!

DD

 

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Dilemas

 

It’s been a busy few days for me and I don’t know where to start. I suppose I should start by warning potential readers that this is likely to be a whiney post about my problems and there won’t be any pictures to view this time. this is purely a post about my life, my problems and my messed up confused and emotionally numb head.

 Right, now that you’ve all left. I can continue. I best start with the whole cheating episode. K knows I’ve cheated on her, she found out a little while after I left her by raiding my Facebook and reading my personal messages. I should be angry about this I guess, but I just don’t care. I should be feeling guilty about cheating on her, but I just don’t care. I should be moving on but I just don’t seem to care. I’m stuck in a rut and don’t seem to care about anything at the moment. I’ve lost the ability to worry and care and be bothered about anything. There’s a million things I need to do and there all piling up. This usually results in a big anxiety attack where I rush about making lists of things to do and madly trying to do the things on them like there’s not tomorrow. It will hit me soon I’m sure.

Back to K. After our argument which resulted in us breaking up and her taking everything she ever bought out of my house. I thought, “that’s it. She’s gone, It’s over. Time to move on with my life and concentrate on other things”. Then she found out I’d cheated. I continued to think, ” It’s definitely over now, there’s no way she’ll want to get back with me anyway”. As usual I was wrong. things couldn’t just be that simple for me.

This next bit may paint K in a bit of a negative light but I’m only stating the facts remember, make of it what you will. She rang me explaining that she was pregnant. she hadn’t taken a test but she just knew. This story line had been used far too many times ion TV and in films. Boyfriend leaves his girlfriend, Girlfriend wants boyfriend back, Girlfriend tell’s boyfriend she’s having his baby. coincidence she tells me just after we split? hmmm. It gets better. I tell her to take a test. she decides to book an appointment with the doctor instead. ( This all happened late on Saturday / Sunday) Monday morning at 8:15,  I get a text from her saying that she has been to the doc’s, she was experiencing pain and found out that she was in the process of losing the baby.

The thought of me being a dad did creep into my mind I’ll admit. I knew (and told her) that it wouldn’t be a good idea for us to bring up a child with all our problems and the fact that we’d just split up. But still, I could have a child, It scared me and excited me. Then the thoughts that she may be lieing to get me back and may have made it all up hit me. Before I had time to process it all (I needed a lot of time to figure things out) I was told that it’s gone and it’s not an issue anymore.

Ok so back to square one right? NO! K continued to text / call me explaining that she still wants to be with me and she can forgive me if I forgive her for hacking into Facebook.( She fails to realise that this isn’t the main issue. We’d split up before all that happened. I just don’t have feelings for her anymore) I don’t like hurting or upsetting people and tried my hardest to keep her from being hurt over it all. Obviously I have mixed feelings. My head is everywhere, she continues to ‘persudae’ me that things will be different if we gave things another try.

Right I feel better now all that’s out. I know in my heart what I need to do but its difficult to go along with.

If there’s anyone who made it to the end of this post…

a) congratulations for not falling asleep or switching to something else

b) I’m sorry

DD

 

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Blackpool

I feel much better today, i did a lot of little jobs around the house.  The accomplishment of completing tasks always make me feel a little better. I finally set up my new laptop too, this gave me the opportunity to sort out and edit the backlog of photos I had taken over the last few months.

I took a few photos while at Blackpool for the weekend. I’ve been a few times before but only when I was younger. A little birdie told me that there were talks about getting rid of the Pepsi Max next year and as I really enjoy thrill rides, I decided it was about time I went on it. It was ok, nothing compared to the rides at Cedar Point, I’d happily catch a plane to Cedar Point, spend the day and catch a plane back. I managed to get a few shoreline shots while at Blackpool… What do you think?

I took this under central pier. I was drawn to the symmetrical lines of the supports holding up the pier when I noticed the receding river flowing back to the sea. I love taking pictures like this, some times the simple things look amazing but no body spends to time to sit and look at them. I must have spent 3 hours just walking around the beach looking at its beauty.

I took this in the evening just before the sun went down. It was a bad day and rained continuously for several hours just after I took this shot. The sun lit through the clouds in an amazing way, I considered them to be the main focus of the picture untill I saw the puddles left by the receding tide.

This little critter was a pain! He flew down and looked directly at me for the 10 seconds it took me to get my camera out and set up. The second I was ready to take the shot, he decided to give me the hard shoulder. I waited for ages for him to turn back around but he never did. This was a practise shot I took while I was waiting in order to check I had the right settings. He eventually flew off.

I love being by the sea, especially in winter. The wind is awesome, I could sit and watch the waves crashing up the wall all night.  Over all it was a good trip. K and I went to try and sort out our failing relationship, we’d had a lot of arguments. We decided that we’d go away for the weekend and just enjoy ourselves, it was nice to get away and not have to worry about anything. Things went well while we were there and quickly deteriorated once we got back  home.

The thing is, I know that she’s a good match and a decent person but for some reason I keep finding myself pushing her away, I know its my fault and even thought she is very argumentative and stubborn, it’s me that’s ruining things. I need to sit down and have a good long think with myself about what to do.

DD