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Dilemas

 

It’s been a busy few days for me and I don’t know where to start. I suppose I should start by warning potential readers that this is likely to be a whiney post about my problems and there won’t be any pictures to view this time. this is purely a post about my life, my problems and my messed up confused and emotionally numb head.

 Right, now that you’ve all left. I can continue. I best start with the whole cheating episode. K knows I’ve cheated on her, she found out a little while after I left her by raiding my Facebook and reading my personal messages. I should be angry about this I guess, but I just don’t care. I should be feeling guilty about cheating on her, but I just don’t care. I should be moving on but I just don’t seem to care. I’m stuck in a rut and don’t seem to care about anything at the moment. I’ve lost the ability to worry and care and be bothered about anything. There’s a million things I need to do and there all piling up. This usually results in a big anxiety attack where I rush about making lists of things to do and madly trying to do the things on them like there’s not tomorrow. It will hit me soon I’m sure.

Back to K. After our argument which resulted in us breaking up and her taking everything she ever bought out of my house. I thought, “that’s it. She’s gone, It’s over. Time to move on with my life and concentrate on other things”. Then she found out I’d cheated. I continued to think, ” It’s definitely over now, there’s no way she’ll want to get back with me anyway”. As usual I was wrong. things couldn’t just be that simple for me.

This next bit may paint K in a bit of a negative light but I’m only stating the facts remember, make of it what you will. She rang me explaining that she was pregnant. she hadn’t taken a test but she just knew. This story line had been used far too many times ion TV and in films. Boyfriend leaves his girlfriend, Girlfriend wants boyfriend back, Girlfriend tell’s boyfriend she’s having his baby. coincidence she tells me just after we split? hmmm. It gets better. I tell her to take a test. she decides to book an appointment with the doctor instead. ( This all happened late on Saturday / Sunday) Monday morning at 8:15,  I get a text from her saying that she has been to the doc’s, she was experiencing pain and found out that she was in the process of losing the baby.

The thought of me being a dad did creep into my mind I’ll admit. I knew (and told her) that it wouldn’t be a good idea for us to bring up a child with all our problems and the fact that we’d just split up. But still, I could have a child, It scared me and excited me. Then the thoughts that she may be lieing to get me back and may have made it all up hit me. Before I had time to process it all (I needed a lot of time to figure things out) I was told that it’s gone and it’s not an issue anymore.

Ok so back to square one right? NO! K continued to text / call me explaining that she still wants to be with me and she can forgive me if I forgive her for hacking into Facebook.( She fails to realise that this isn’t the main issue. We’d split up before all that happened. I just don’t have feelings for her anymore) I don’t like hurting or upsetting people and tried my hardest to keep her from being hurt over it all. Obviously I have mixed feelings. My head is everywhere, she continues to ‘persudae’ me that things will be different if we gave things another try.

Right I feel better now all that’s out. I know in my heart what I need to do but its difficult to go along with.

If there’s anyone who made it to the end of this post…

a) congratulations for not falling asleep or switching to something else

b) I’m sorry

DD

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Don’t use phone chat lines

After reading C’s blog yesterday and having lengthy discussion with her, I decided to take up the 10 day you challenge. I enjoyed reading C’s ten secrets and though long and hard about which secrets I’d divulge to the general public.

so… Day 1. 10 secrets

1. I crashed my car when I was 17. obviously I couldn’t hide the fact that my car had half of the front missing. I explained to my family and everyone else that had to ask that a fox ran out in front of me (as it was quite late at night) and I swerved to miss it. The real story is that while driving my new girlfriend home, I was cut up by an idiot in a sporty car. It annoyed me so much (and I was embarrassed that my little old car couldn’t do anything to stop the idiot from cutting me up) that I had to try and catch him up. unfortunately,  I had to break hard to take a slip road off the main road and lost control. So yep it was my fault, I was being an idiot.

2. When I was younger (about 14ish). I had a massive crush on my sister’s friend. I was too shy to ever tell her though, until she moved away that is. She use to write to my sister once a week or so for a couple of months until I got hold of her address and sent er a letter. She never replied and I felt stupid. She also stopped writing to my sister and she never knew why.

3. Porn. My experiences with porn tends to be very secretive. After all, it’s not something you tend to sit around and chat to someone about with a cup of tea. I didn’t have the internet when I was younger so magazines were all the rage. My mate and I decided to go halfs on one (they were bloody expensive) I kept it under my bed at home. For some reason I was convinced my mom would never find it there. I was wrong, she did and the bollocking I got was not pretty. I blamed it on my cousin who had come to visit a few weeks ago and told her that he left it here. To this day she doesn’t like him for it.

4. I killed someone… Ok that’s a lie. I haven’t killed anyone. I did however try to kill myself. It was a long time ago. I just couldn’t see the point in life. I don’t remember too much about the actual thing that pushed me over the edge to do it. Obviously there was a lot of reasons that stacked up on top of each other to make me feel like that was the only choice, but there was something that convinced myself I had to do it. I took a load of pain killers, I couldn’t tell you the exact amount, just that I had the  worst stomach ache ever. It became so bad that I had to go downstairs and tell my mom. I had to go to hospital and have my stomach pumped. I was hoping that the doctor wouldn’t have known what it was that I tried to do but I could tell by the look on his face when he called my mom into the room that he knew and was going to tell her. The ride on the way home was very awkward, I knew she knew and I knew she wanted to ask but didn’t know how. Eventually she asked and I told her I just had a really bad headache. It was one of those  lies where it was obvious to both parties involved that the one was lying. Thankfully she left it at that though.

5. I’m shit scared of aliens. They just creep me out. It’s something to do with the way they are always portrayed on TV and in books. They never speak but always seem to understand and why do they always come to take people in the middle of the night by some eerily quite corn field when no-one else is around. The scariest of all the aliens I’ve come across is the one that walks past during a kids party in the film Signs with Mel Gibson. It’s a 12 rated film and nearly gave me a heart attack.

 

6. I’m scraping the barrel a bit now but…. I fell off a horse once. Not a serious fall or a big horse. I wasn’t hurt, just extremely embarresed. I made my sister sware not to tell anybody and as far as I know she didn’t. If I had footage of me falling off I would probably laugh at it now but I didn’t find it so funny back when it happened.

7.  I’ve read the Twilight books – enough said

 

8. I have some weird OCD thing about odd numbers. I hate them, when turning the volume up or down on TV, I have to leave it on an even number. When I cook using an electric oven, the temperature has to be an even number (they usually are anyway, which makes me happy). The list goes on and I discover new things all the time that I have to have even without realising. The latest one is cinema seats. When choosing one I tend to head for the middle or a row and look at the seats, sometimes the seat just doesn’t look right and I have to sit on a different one, I didn’t even realise why untill the other day, it’s because the seats that don’t look ‘quite right’ are numbered odd.

This will mentally scar me but… 1,3.,4,7,9 …. AHHHH

9. Back in year 9 English, we had to do an essay on a book called ‘A lady Calls’. The teacher handed out example essays that last year’s class had done. While these essay’s were handed around for us to look at, I stole a girl’s one that was graded A*. I spent the rest of the lesson worried that the teacher would discover one of the essay’s had gone missing. Lucky for me she didn’t. I re-wrote the essay in my own words and handed it in a few days later. I got an A* and was moved up to the top class for English lit. At the end of the year I slid the girl’s essay back under the teacher’s door.

10. I used my mom’s mobile once to ring a sex chat line. I quickly realised that it was a waste of money and hung up. They rang me back stating that i owed them more money. they asked me for my address and all sorts which really creeped me out. I hung up but they kept ringing. Eventually I came up with the idea of turning the phone off. All that night I was worried that my mom would find out or that they would have somehow traced the call back to my house (I watched way too many spy movies). They did call back the next day when my mom turned her phone on and she did ask me if I’d used her mobile to ring a sex line. I denied everything!

God it feels good to get all that off my chest!

DD

 
 

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