Category Archives: relationships

Ding Ding

Hello again

I haven’t felt like blogging much lately. Up untill now, a lot of the things that have happened since I blogged last, have been things I don’t particularly want to remember. Looking back I suppose they weren’t that bad, they’re just not that good either.

I’ll focus on the good…. I got my new bike, (no thanks to you lot). It currently residing in my grandads shed until my new one arrives. I have the fear that it will be liberated from my crummy old shed. I’m looking forward to cycling again. Nothing more relaxing than cycling around listening to some good music. Therapeutic and good exercise!

A close friend of mine had a baby girl a few days ago. Little L was only 6 lbs and the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. I managed to visit her and hold the youngest human I’ve ever held at only 12 hours old. I’ve always grown up around kids.I am the oldest in my family and have a number of brothers and sisters that I can remember being young, not to mention my cousins! I like having kids around. I’m sure I’ve said something along these lines before – They’re more open and easier to talk to, they don’t complicate matters and say what they really mean and to top it off, If you upset them, they’re really easy to make up with. Although I’m not related to L, I was ecstatic when A asked if I would be little L’s god father. I don’t consider myself to be big-headed about anything really but I think I’d make a very good god parent. I become attached to people very easy and little L is no exception. I’m a little geeky and generous so hopefully I’ll be able to help her out with things throughout her life if she needs me. I’ll always be there for her. (Easy to say now, I know). This is the closest I’ve got to having my own child which I’m looking forward to.

I’ve wanted a tattoo to commemorate my Trek America holiday for some time now. I don’t go into things lightly though and have to think over non important things way more than I should before coming to a conclusion. To me though, this wasn’t a small deal. This was my first tattoo and I wanted to make sure hat it was something relevant and would remind me of America aswell as being something that I hopefully wouldn’t get bored with. Did I mention I’m scared of needles too!!!! Another big factor in me dragging my heels on the tattoo matter. I watched A have his done a weeks back and decided that it wasn’t that bad and I’m muster up the courage and get it done. I eventually took a pic in of what I wanted and explained a few changes (I’d have drawn it myself but I’m crap at that sort of thing, my attempt came out like a bird that had gone 10 rounds in a ring with an elephant, made its way down a mile of fast flowing rapids and then cooked tenderly on a BBQ until medium – over down.)

This is the picture I gave Tattoo Guy and the tattoo I got in the end…..


I used my camera-phone so apologies for that bad image.

Anyhow, I’m glad I finally got it done.

Scouts training. Another thing that took up a lot of my time last week. This, although very tedious, ended up being good. I met a few new people with the same interests in me and had fun. I also managed to get a date out of it. Too early to talk about that though, I’ll leave that for another blog.

I’m determined to make next week a positive week!



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It’s been a busy few days for me and I don’t know where to start. I suppose I should start by warning potential readers that this is likely to be a whiney post about my problems and there won’t be any pictures to view this time. this is purely a post about my life, my problems and my messed up confused and emotionally numb head.

 Right, now that you’ve all left. I can continue. I best start with the whole cheating episode. K knows I’ve cheated on her, she found out a little while after I left her by raiding my Facebook and reading my personal messages. I should be angry about this I guess, but I just don’t care. I should be feeling guilty about cheating on her, but I just don’t care. I should be moving on but I just don’t seem to care. I’m stuck in a rut and don’t seem to care about anything at the moment. I’ve lost the ability to worry and care and be bothered about anything. There’s a million things I need to do and there all piling up. This usually results in a big anxiety attack where I rush about making lists of things to do and madly trying to do the things on them like there’s not tomorrow. It will hit me soon I’m sure.

Back to K. After our argument which resulted in us breaking up and her taking everything she ever bought out of my house. I thought, “that’s it. She’s gone, It’s over. Time to move on with my life and concentrate on other things”. Then she found out I’d cheated. I continued to think, ” It’s definitely over now, there’s no way she’ll want to get back with me anyway”. As usual I was wrong. things couldn’t just be that simple for me.

This next bit may paint K in a bit of a negative light but I’m only stating the facts remember, make of it what you will. She rang me explaining that she was pregnant. she hadn’t taken a test but she just knew. This story line had been used far too many times ion TV and in films. Boyfriend leaves his girlfriend, Girlfriend wants boyfriend back, Girlfriend tell’s boyfriend she’s having his baby. coincidence she tells me just after we split? hmmm. It gets better. I tell her to take a test. she decides to book an appointment with the doctor instead. ( This all happened late on Saturday / Sunday) Monday morning at 8:15,  I get a text from her saying that she has been to the doc’s, she was experiencing pain and found out that she was in the process of losing the baby.

The thought of me being a dad did creep into my mind I’ll admit. I knew (and told her) that it wouldn’t be a good idea for us to bring up a child with all our problems and the fact that we’d just split up. But still, I could have a child, It scared me and excited me. Then the thoughts that she may be lieing to get me back and may have made it all up hit me. Before I had time to process it all (I needed a lot of time to figure things out) I was told that it’s gone and it’s not an issue anymore.

Ok so back to square one right? NO! K continued to text / call me explaining that she still wants to be with me and she can forgive me if I forgive her for hacking into Facebook.( She fails to realise that this isn’t the main issue. We’d split up before all that happened. I just don’t have feelings for her anymore) I don’t like hurting or upsetting people and tried my hardest to keep her from being hurt over it all. Obviously I have mixed feelings. My head is everywhere, she continues to ‘persudae’ me that things will be different if we gave things another try.

Right I feel better now all that’s out. I know in my heart what I need to do but its difficult to go along with.

If there’s anyone who made it to the end of this post…

a) congratulations for not falling asleep or switching to something else

b) I’m sorry



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plenty more fish in the sea but I’m stuck in a rock pool!

So, K and I have split up. It was inevitable really, we hadn’t been getting on for some time. It’s difficult to put my finger on why we weren’t getting along. We just didn’t see eye to eye on most things and she seemed to want to argue over everything. It was a bad ending with lot’s of shouting and bag packing. All trace of her has now been removed from my house.

I’m having mixed feelings about the whole situation, I feel that it was the right thing to do but at the same time, I’m scared. I’m single again, I was getting use to being single when I met K but still missed having someone to hold and be soppy with.Que the fear of being alone for the rest of my life. This morning I though I missed her. I had to remind myself that I wasn’t happy with her and it was most likely that I was just missing ‘someone’.

Soooo where does this leave me? Confused and dazed, as usual. I hate relationships!! Yes I do have plenty of things going on in my life to keep me busy. I can’t imagine a scenario where I bump into the women of my dreams though. Looks like it’s just me, Pan and a whole load of box sets for a while.


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Posted by on November 5, 2011 in relationships


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When he’s inside you know there’s no room for me…

2 songs

My penultimate 10 day – you – challenge post. I consider this one to be another difficult subject. How am I ment to choose two songs from thousands. According to my generic mp3 player, I have over 8 days worth of songs! Granted some of them are guilty pleasures and some I skip when ever they come around on shuffle (why do I bother having them then???) But still, that’s a lot of songs to narrow down to just two I will probably read back ver this most some time in the future and change my mind. t will probably play on my mind for the nest few days and I’ll think about other songs that I should have written about and forgot about. As of this moment though, here are two songs..

1- Stricken, No doubt, from The Beacon Street Collection. This song means a lot to me for a number of reasons. Firstly, J lent me this album when we we’re both training at Yarnfield together. We use to play it in my car when ever we went to get something to eat in the evenings or on Friday’s when I dropped him off at the train station to go home. I have fond memories of Yarnfield and my friendship with J and when ever I hear a song from this album I am transported back to a time in life where I had found a true friend, had a great relationship with someone who really cared about me and a job that I was enjoying. Stricken is the fourth track on the album and reminds me of Z and the feeling’s I had for her. Notice I used a past tense, I still have feelings for her, but they are very different, I’m not going into all that now. My favourite line ” My love for you makes me numb, I can’t feel”, at times in ou relationship, I’d be overcome with a feeling of happiness, so much so that I’d just sit in a daze with a big smile on my face. I know it sounds cheesy. I don’t think I’ll ever be that happy again, each time a relationship I’m in ends, I find that my feelings for the person I’m in the next relationship with isn’t as strong, (excuse the bad English, I,m getting tired now) P.s I love Gwen Stefani’s mouth!!!

2- Damn Girl, all American Rejects, When The World comes Down. I listened to this album repetitively for about 6 months. This song in particular helped me get over Z greatly. (Sorry both songs I have chosen are bout Z but i had a year of watching long box sets of TV programs and listening to music) Favourite line, ” No girl, you can’t see. When he’s inside you know there’s no room for me” (Is this ment to be rude???)- This was during a period when Z had just split up with me and started dating the boy she had an affair with. I still wanted her ( I still do), and she was undecided whether to go us another try or stay with her new fella. She needed time to decide so I tried hard not to bug her about it, but the months of not knowing what was going to happen really took its toll on me. the lyrics in this song mimicked how I felt and in some way made me feel a little better and less anxious about the outcome. needless to say she chose the other guy, maybe it was for the best. I guess we’ll never know.



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I wish for world peace

7 Wants

Another difficult one. I don’t really want much from life at all. I suppose my wants can all be summed up into 1 single phase – to be happy. Obviously there is a number of factors that influence how happy I feel, some of these I can do something about, others can do something about some and some factors nobody can do anything about.

1. Being happy is obviously a complex task and I don’t think it’s possible for someone to be truly happy for ever. there’s always something in life to knock you back down a level when your feeling good. My first want would be for me to not have mental issues. I never use to have them, I’ve always been shy and unsociable but I see them as a trait rather than a ‘problem’ It’s just who I am. But I do have issues with anxiety and depression (I know, I know. I’ve mentioned it before) It would be nice to have a normal brain that doesn’t over think everything and envisage over complex scenarios that would never happen aswell as focusing heavily on the mostly negative of these. I’ve spoken with C on this subject many times before. If I though less about anything in particular, would that make me a different person. Would I become as thoughtless as the majority of the general public? I don’t fancy becoming a Jeremy Kyle show regular! Either way, I want to live my life without these mental problems.

2. I want C to be happy. Most other people I know seem pretty happy in their lives apart from C. I mean, I like her how she is now, I just wish there was something I could do to help. Another one of my brain malfunctions is that I always have to try to solve problems. If I’m confronted with one I can’t stop thinking about it until I’ve come up with a logical solution. In C’s case, I’m totally useless.

3. A big shiny sports car!!! No not really, I like my car, I wouldn’t change it for anything. Materialistically, I don’t think there’s anything I want. I have what I need and what I like. I shouldn’t be complaining about life really. I have it pretty good compared to some. I’d like my bike that was stolen from me back though. May have to put a new bike on my christmas list.


4. A healthy relationship with someone who understands me, will put up with me and I enjoy being around. I know, I’m not asking for much right? These seems unreasonable at the most optimistic of times. I can still dream though.

5. to be a better photographer. I’m not bad, but I’m nowhere near good. I’d like to be able to take really good photos and make money out of it. Being a photographer for a living would be amazing. Better still, I’d like to be a BBC wildlife photographer – taking pictures for their magazine or even wildlife filming for TV. This is kind of joined to my next want as I’d get paid to go to remote exotic places to see wonderful animals. What a job!

I want his kit… and his job!

6. I want to travel the world. Unfortunately, like most people, I have to work to earn money to live. I have to spend that money on accommodation and food. this leaves little money and time for traveling around the world. I don’t think I’d be able to see everything I wanted to even if I had unlimited money and a life time to see it all.

7. There’s loads of political crap I could pretend I want. You know, like Miss world competitors that always seem to want world peace or for hunger in the world to be eradicated. It will never happen and it’s a waste of a want to believe something like that can happen. There will always be greedy people in the world stopping things like that from happening. What I really want is my allotment. I have been on a waiting list for a while now! Hurry up, I have vegetables to grow! Just so I can tie in the second part of this want to the first – I might just make some kind of soup out of the vegetables and bring it to my nearest homeless shelter. May even do the stereotypical feeding of the homeless at christmas thing this year!




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“Fear leads to Anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering”


A distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. Synonyms: foreboding, apprehension, consternation, dismay, dread, terror, fright, panic, horror, trepidation, qualm. Antonyms: courage, security, calm, intrepidity.
     Why are little girls so creepy???

Where to start. Most of the things I’m fearful of aren’t real. They are figments of my imagination, things that I have over thought like endless bad scenarios.

1. The fear of being alone. I’ve had this fear from as early as I can remember. At school I was always worried about walking around without any friends by my side. It made me anxious, I’m not sure whether it was actually being alone or the idea that other people would see me alone, Either way it caused me considerable stress. This progressed to the fear of being alone relationship wise. I tend to tell myself that I’m happier and better on my own. But given time, the feeling that I need to belong to someone creeps in and takes over, I start to panic that I won’t find anyone and no one will ever love me. An overwhelming pressure to find a partner comes over me and the anxiety drops in when I realise that there’s too much wrong with me. I’ve lived alone for 9 months now and have never really felt lonely by myself. Although I have noticed that I always have to have the TV or radio on in the background, even if I’m not really paying any attention to it. I can only put this down to the psychological feeling that someone is with me and I’m not alone.

2. Ruining my life. This started around GCSE era. The fear of failing scared me into revising and trying my hardest. I was worried that I wouldn’t get a job. This thought led to a chain of events in my head that got progressively worse. From being jobless it led to being homeless from there it spiraled to being to embarrassed to speak to my family or ask for help so I’d leave and live in some city far away. I’d never have a family of my own or luxuries or a nice car. It’s this fear that helps me to meet deadlines and put effort into things that I don’t really want to do but have to.

3 The fear of being scared itself. As mentioned before, I suffer from panic / anxiety attacks. when I feel one growing inside and I’m in a public place, the very thought of everybody watching me and thinking I’m weird can increase the pressure of the attack. It’s a vicious circle.

4. Jail/ the law. I’m worried I’ll be wrongly accused of something due to a misfortunate set of circumstances that would lead people to believe I am guilty. Worse still, I’m worried I’ll commit a crime and be caught. the though of facing my family and their disappointment scares the life out of me. Even more scary though is Her Majesties fine penitentiaries… The thought of being bummed by a big bald bloke in the showers is enough to strike fear in to anyones hearts. I’m a wimp, I wouldn’t last 5 minutes in prison.

5. The opposite sex and their uncanny ability to make blokes do what they want them to do. The power girl’s have over us is unbelievable and not matter how hard I try, I don’t think I could resist the charms of a flirty girl showing me a bit of interest. I’m pretty sure a girl will lead me into a whole heap of trouble one of these days!

6. Tuna – don’t ask

7. Horses. This is kind of linked to an experience I mentioned on Wednesday’s blog. I fell off one and I’ve always had a healthy respect for them ever since. AND they have big round black eyes!! Too creepy.

8. Wasting my life. Every now and again I think about my life and where it’s going. I think about the third of it that’s already gone and worry that the best bits are behind me, that it will be all down hill from now on. I fell that I’m stuck in a rut and nothing will change for years and years. I guess I’m scared that I’ll get to my death bed, look back and regret not living a more exciting life

This doesn’t really count because it’s not real but I ‘m scared of velociraptors and T-Rex’s (The one’s from Jurassic Park) they’re just too clever and vicious. Oh and aliens, I left them out because I spoke about them enough the other day!



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Only fools fall in love

Day two of the ten day challenge – 9 loves.
Love is a strong word. I know for a fact that there’s not 9 people in this world that I love but luckily I love other things aswell.

Before I get into listing the things and people I love, I just want to make it clear that I hat the fact that we as humans need to love. I have never been happy single and always wanted to both be loved and to love someone. It’s a highly annoying emotion and life wold be much simpler without it. As far as loving people goes – there are a number of different ways in which I love people, there’s family and friends love, theres relationship love and theres the kind of people who you just love being around. I’ve been in love twice now and strongly believe that your capacity to love is greatly reduced every time you have your heart broken. My intensity of love seems to be less we each new partner. right enough soppy crap, let’s get this thing started…

1. First place has to go to my cat Pan. I love Pan more than anything in the world. He’s a loyal, playful cat who comes and sits on my lap most nights for a fuss. He’s always there to greet me when I come home.

2. My camera. Yes I love my camera. It makes me feel happy, especially when I take a picture that I like and other people comment on it. I love the fact that I know it inside and out. Sounds stupid I know but it is something that I’d be upset to see go, I know it can be replaced but the camera that would replace it wouldn’t be the same. It’s a Canon rebel xsi (or 450d)

3. I feel very strongly towards my first car. I would go as far as saying that I loved it. It gave me the freedom to see my dad more often and stop there when ever I wanted. I loved the fact that I could just get in my car and go where ever at any time. I must have gone somewhere every weekend for the first 6 months of owning it. Sadly it’s the car that I mentioned in my last post. It had to be euthanized after I crashed it. RIP my Astra.

4. PIZZA!!!! The love of my life. It’s always been there to comfort me, to help make me feel better when I’m low. Love isn’t a strong enough word to explain the feelings I have for warm dough with melted cheese and a tomato base and a generous portion of various toppings. I almost re-broke my jaw trying to eat a piece of pizza. I ate through the pain. I’m a fan of many kids from many different places. my favourite has to be a pizza from a little spanish restaurant near my nans, it’s a simple margarita with Basil on it. I tend to go with ham and pineapple when I’m in the UK.

5. My nan definitely deserves one of the 9 spots. She practically raised my two sisters and I. She’s always worked hard at her job and at keeping the family together. We all seem to congregate around nan and grandads at some point during the day. It’s one place where I just feel at home and relaxed. she’s helped me out of a pickle many times in the past and I know she’ll be there if I ever need her in the future. I’ll always remember the holidays to Ireland every year that my grandparents use to bring me on. I’m going to extend this one to cover all my family. I feel I have been fortunate with the family I have been given and grateful.

6. C and B. these two are my closest friends. I love them both dearly. C has become a constant in my life and someone I can trust and talk to about anything. As far as I’m aware, she’s also the only person I know who read’s this blog… Hey C 🙂 Ad is the only other person I really consider as a real friend. I’ve known him since school and although we’ve become very different from each other, we still get on well and help each other out when ever needed. I’m going to add J to this one too. although we haven’t spoken in over 6 months because of his retarded animal of a girlfriend, I still love him and miss him. I can honestly say that my anxiousness, paranoia and depression were greatly reduced during the 7 year period I knew him, I always felt like I had someone who would support and help me if I needed it.

7. I love Demitri and Herb my two Horsefield Tortoises. Demitri was supposed to be a birthday present from Z but we she left a few months before. I’ve always wanted a tortoise and didn’t think it was right to give up on the idea just because she left. I love the way they move and find them fascinating still.

8. My cousin urban is the cutest little girl I have ever met. I tend to get on well with all children but we have a special bond. She lives in australia now with my Aunt and her husband. so I don’t get to see her much but every time we do see each other she screams Dandan and runs for me with her arms wide open. I have never felt so much love from another person before. She’s like a little monkey clinging to me and if anyone trys to talk to me, she gets all defensive and clingy. the sad thing is I know she will grow up and subsequently lose interest in me. I can’t wait to have my own child some day.


I miss her a lot.

9. This ones a bit vague but I love America. I have been a few times now and every time I have been awe struck at the place. I love everything, the cars, the tall buildings and the fact that everything has to be bigger and better than anywhere else. I’ve never had a bad time over there and hope to one day live somewhere in the States.


These ‘loves’ are likely to change from time to time. So maybe love is too strong to describe them but that’s your lot!



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