Category Archives: trust

Angry Cow

Why is this cow so angry you ask? Well, i can only imagine it had something to do with me sitting in his field for 20 minutes until he became comfortable enough to get close to me, then sticking a big black camera in his face. Truth is, he didn’t seem that angry in real life, it must just be the camera angle or something.

I consider this to be one of my favourite photos I have taken, I have my aunt to thank for it. She gave me the idea whilst we were in Ireland.

both my 3 out of my 4 grandparents are from Ireland and my mom’s mom and dad use to take my sister and I to Ireland every year during the summer holiday for two weeks. It’s a lovely place, very quaint and agricultural. Leitrim is where my granddad is from. He inherited the small cottage from his mother when she passed away. I remember her when she was a live. She lived all by herself half way up a hill surrounded by fields and small country lanes, I felt sorry for her. There was no TV or internet. I’m not sure why my sister and I enjoyed going there too much.

My granddad use to take me fishing down at the river. We use to trek a mile or so down river to find a good spot where the water was deeper and slower. We’d spend hours moving around and catching fish. We caught wild river trout. They were beautiful fish with blue and pink bellies and dark ‘freckles’ on top.We’d let the smaller fish go and bring the bigger ones back home to eat. I never ate them though. I don’t like fish at the best of times but especially not when I saw it a live a few hours earlier.

I love being surrounded by nature, I still go back to Ireland occasionally, just for a few days at a time. It’s a relaxing place that feels separate from the rest of the world, time doesn’t exist. I spent hours walking up the hills taking pictures last time I was there and didn’t realise how late it was until it started getting dark. Again, you can see the rest of my Ireland photos here

I’ll always have a connection to Ireland




Posted by on November 5, 2011 in animals, family, fun, getting away, photography, trust


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Don’t use phone chat lines

After reading C’s blog yesterday and having lengthy discussion with her, I decided to take up the 10 day you challenge. I enjoyed reading C’s ten secrets and though long and hard about which secrets I’d divulge to the general public.

so… Day 1. 10 secrets

1. I crashed my car when I was 17. obviously I couldn’t hide the fact that my car had half of the front missing. I explained to my family and everyone else that had to ask that a fox ran out in front of me (as it was quite late at night) and I swerved to miss it. The real story is that while driving my new girlfriend home, I was cut up by an idiot in a sporty car. It annoyed me so much (and I was embarrassed that my little old car couldn’t do anything to stop the idiot from cutting me up) that I had to try and catch him up. unfortunately,  I had to break hard to take a slip road off the main road and lost control. So yep it was my fault, I was being an idiot.

2. When I was younger (about 14ish). I had a massive crush on my sister’s friend. I was too shy to ever tell her though, until she moved away that is. She use to write to my sister once a week or so for a couple of months until I got hold of her address and sent er a letter. She never replied and I felt stupid. She also stopped writing to my sister and she never knew why.

3. Porn. My experiences with porn tends to be very secretive. After all, it’s not something you tend to sit around and chat to someone about with a cup of tea. I didn’t have the internet when I was younger so magazines were all the rage. My mate and I decided to go halfs on one (they were bloody expensive) I kept it under my bed at home. For some reason I was convinced my mom would never find it there. I was wrong, she did and the bollocking I got was not pretty. I blamed it on my cousin who had come to visit a few weeks ago and told her that he left it here. To this day she doesn’t like him for it.

4. I killed someone… Ok that’s a lie. I haven’t killed anyone. I did however try to kill myself. It was a long time ago. I just couldn’t see the point in life. I don’t remember too much about the actual thing that pushed me over the edge to do it. Obviously there was a lot of reasons that stacked up on top of each other to make me feel like that was the only choice, but there was something that convinced myself I had to do it. I took a load of pain killers, I couldn’t tell you the exact amount, just that I had the  worst stomach ache ever. It became so bad that I had to go downstairs and tell my mom. I had to go to hospital and have my stomach pumped. I was hoping that the doctor wouldn’t have known what it was that I tried to do but I could tell by the look on his face when he called my mom into the room that he knew and was going to tell her. The ride on the way home was very awkward, I knew she knew and I knew she wanted to ask but didn’t know how. Eventually she asked and I told her I just had a really bad headache. It was one of those  lies where it was obvious to both parties involved that the one was lying. Thankfully she left it at that though.

5. I’m shit scared of aliens. They just creep me out. It’s something to do with the way they are always portrayed on TV and in books. They never speak but always seem to understand and why do they always come to take people in the middle of the night by some eerily quite corn field when no-one else is around. The scariest of all the aliens I’ve come across is the one that walks past during a kids party in the film Signs with Mel Gibson. It’s a 12 rated film and nearly gave me a heart attack.


6. I’m scraping the barrel a bit now but…. I fell off a horse once. Not a serious fall or a big horse. I wasn’t hurt, just extremely embarresed. I made my sister sware not to tell anybody and as far as I know she didn’t. If I had footage of me falling off I would probably laugh at it now but I didn’t find it so funny back when it happened.

7.  I’ve read the Twilight books – enough said


8. I have some weird OCD thing about odd numbers. I hate them, when turning the volume up or down on TV, I have to leave it on an even number. When I cook using an electric oven, the temperature has to be an even number (they usually are anyway, which makes me happy). The list goes on and I discover new things all the time that I have to have even without realising. The latest one is cinema seats. When choosing one I tend to head for the middle or a row and look at the seats, sometimes the seat just doesn’t look right and I have to sit on a different one, I didn’t even realise why untill the other day, it’s because the seats that don’t look ‘quite right’ are numbered odd.

This will mentally scar me but… 1,3.,4,7,9 …. AHHHH

9. Back in year 9 English, we had to do an essay on a book called ‘A lady Calls’. The teacher handed out example essays that last year’s class had done. While these essay’s were handed around for us to look at, I stole a girl’s one that was graded A*. I spent the rest of the lesson worried that the teacher would discover one of the essay’s had gone missing. Lucky for me she didn’t. I re-wrote the essay in my own words and handed it in a few days later. I got an A* and was moved up to the top class for English lit. At the end of the year I slid the girl’s essay back under the teacher’s door.

10. I used my mom’s mobile once to ring a sex chat line. I quickly realised that it was a waste of money and hung up. They rang me back stating that i owed them more money. they asked me for my address and all sorts which really creeped me out. I hung up but they kept ringing. Eventually I came up with the idea of turning the phone off. All that night I was worried that my mom would find out or that they would have somehow traced the call back to my house (I watched way too many spy movies). They did call back the next day when my mom turned her phone on and she did ask me if I’d used her mobile to ring a sex line. I denied everything!

God it feels good to get all that off my chest!



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Honky Tonk

My next post will cover the Nashville  part of my trek.

Before I go into details, I have a confession to make. C is the only person I have told about Jemma and what happened in America. Both during and after my trip I was in conversation with C about my dilemma and my feelings for Jemma. She gave me good advice and told me to avoid having an affair,  if not for K then for myself. She explained that I was bound to think less of myself later on if i went a head and did it. on top of that, the guilt would tear me apart. I had already considered myself as having an affair though as the kiss we shared was passionate and I did have feelings for her. C, I’m sorry, I told you a lie, I was so ashamed that I had cheated that I physically couldn’t tell anyone, not even you (who I feel that I can talk to about anything) , I was too embarrassed and ashamed of my actions to tell anyone. I was worried that people would judge me and think of me as a bad person (which I guess I deserve). In reality, I am just as bad as others that have cheated and C was right, I do regret it and I do think less of myself, especially as I am so against Cheating and affairs.

This is how it happened…

After I had explained that nothing could happen between us, we carried on as if nothing had happened, we still got on really well together and spent a lot of time together, we still sat next to each other on our way to Nashville and looking back, we were flirting quite heavily and just getting to know each other. I didn’t have the pressure backing up inside me though as I had explained my situation and therefore felt I had put a stop to things from getting out of hand.

Putting the Jemma story aside for a minute, Nashville was great, possibly the hottest I had experienced since my trip began. We set up our tents (On flat freshly cut lawn for the first time) and had a lovely hot shower. unfortunately, the swimming pool on the camp site was closed due to high levels of toxin or something! Better safe than sorry I guess, a dip in the pool would have been heavenly at that point though. I played pool/connect four and ping-pong for a while with Benidikt, Teddy (Korean chap), Natalie and Neil. I was undefeated at connect four untill I was halted in my tracks by German efficiency! Later on, Jemma and I went for a walk to explore the camp site, we strolled around looking at all the big RV’s that had rolled up and set up camp. Some of them were ridiculously big! How simple life would be if I could just pack up everything and drive somewhere new when I felt things were becoming stressful. She put me on the spot by asking my what I liked about her and why I was attracted to her at first. I won’t repeat my answer, you’ll just have to guess.

We all decided to eat at The Hard Rock Cafe in Nashville as Nashville is very music orientated. It is considered the home of Country music and ‘honky tonk’, although this isn’t my kind of music, it was really exciting to be in the middle of a place that centres around music. American’s love their country music. We had to wait an hour for a table so we went to a local bar for a drink. As we had planned to go to the Jim Beam Whiskey distillery the next day, Dave decided we should try some Jim Beam, in the name of research of course. He bought a round of drinks for myself Graeme and Neil. This was my first taste of Bourbon / Whiskey and my first impressions can’t really be repeated here! Graeme then decided to get us all an aniseed flavoured Whiskey, we drank that and had some other kind of Whiskey I can’t even remember. Finally I got a round of Long Island Ice Teas which finished me off. We had live music in the form of a Country cowboy who was obviously a hit with the middle-aged women. To be fair, he wasn’t bad, he went around the tables talking to everyone in between his songs. I left that place completely out of this world, I loved everyone I was with, I loved life and it was still warm outside even thought it was about 8pm and the sun had long gone down.

We went to The Hardrock and I ordered the biggest America looking cheese burger I could find complete with Onion rings and all. It went down a treat. I felt like I had sobered up a little due to the food, this was good as I was slightly worried that I felt like that so early on in the night. We went to another bar and continued to chat to one another and dink whiskey Sours, at some point a few of us started dancing along to the country music. Before long we’d managed to get the majority of the place dancing. I would never have done this sober, so I have Whiskey to thank for me looking like a complete wally. Everyone was getting a little emotional now as you do when you have a drink, arms were flailing everywhere and people were expressing their love for each other. Jemma had her arms around me for the best part of an hour.

Things quickly went down hill, a group of 6 or so american lads came into the bar. One took a shine to Kerry who was completely gone, we all stayed close to her as we could see she wasn’t with it. This guy tried talking to er and to drag her away from the rest of us. A few of us told her to get some water as she’d had too much, I watched as she went to the bar with the guy’s eye’s locked onto her. He went over to her, put his arm around her and walked her towards the exit. Graeme saw this aswell and we both went out after them. We told him she wasn’t interested and to leave her alone, she was grateful. We went back into the bar and i spotted Jemma chatting to one of the other american lads. I watched and she grabbed him and started dancing. I was really confused, It shouldn’t have bothered me, we had no ties to each other and we weren’t in a relationship. I got a little upset and decided to call it a night.  I walked around Nashville alone, not really knowing where I was going and a little tipsy. I managed to find my way back to The Hardrock where we were to wait for the bus to bring us back to camp site, it was 1:05 in the morning and the bus wasn’t due till 1:30, I sat down and felt myself slipping away. I tried my hardest to stay awake, a few minutes later, Jemma magically appeared by my side, she had her arms around me and was crying. She explained that she wasn’t thinking right and was sorry for going off with the American lad, I tried to put on a face and pretend it didn’t bother me but she must have seen right through it. The rest is a blank, I don’t remember getting n the bus or getting off. The next thing I remember seeing was my tent. As I woke I had and realised I had no recollection of the last 20 minutes, I had a massive panic attack. I couldn’t catch my breath and was aware that my breathing was getting heavier and heavier. this must have scared the life out of Jemma, se panicked big time. she held my hand and stroked my face untill things died down. She walked me into my tent and lay down with me. I apologised for my attack and thanked her for looking after me, she then kissed me. I am not proud of what happened next but it ended in her stopping the night in my tent and creeping out early in the morning before anybody was up to see. There, It’s all out. It’s a big relief to tell people this, even if I don’t know you (apart from you C, you reading this worries me)

P.s. I didn’t take my camera with me to Nashville so all photos are from other Monika’s facebook!!!




What the hell im I doing???

Have you ever just stopped what you’re doing and thought, what am I doing here. I know that’s a little vague but its the kind of mood im in at the moment. Each day just seems to start and end without any real relevance, I feel my whole life is going nowhere and I don’t know how to sort it out. I wouldn’t even know where to start!

Today I picked up my new laptop, my previous one was stolen from my house last month. I love gadgets and new things, I love organising them and setting them up. Not even this made me feel better about today.

I want to go back to America, it was the last time I was truly happy. I went on a trip around the east coast with strangers and have never felt more at home. I am one of the most un-sociable people I know, the thought of going away and having to spend two weeks with complete strangers used to scare the hell out of me. I only did it because I thought I needed to push myself out into an awkward situation and learn how to react with the rest of civilisation – I was spending far too much time on my own and felt I needed to meet new people, gain more friends and somewhere in the process, meet someone new. I had a few close friends that were the centre of my life and a girlfriend who was everything to me.

Things didn’t go to plan with Z, when she left it changed me. I became very withdrawn and self loathing, this was ok though because I knew it was my fault, I’d pushed her away, I pushed the best thing in my life to the point she couldn’t be around me anymore. I didn’t see it coming, it took me a while to get over the shock before I could even begin to get over her, I didn’t think it possible that she’d leave me like that. I became even more reliant on my friends for company, too clingy some might say. I didn’t see it at the time but I recon I got on everybody’s nerves, like a dog always after attention. This is probably why J decided that he’d just stop talking to me all of a sudden, that too happened instantly and completely took me by shock. He was like a brother to me. The loss of him and Z has left me numb and unable to become emotionally attached to anybody else. I still have friends that im close to and I still panic that I talk to them too much, I still worry when they don’t reply that I have managed to push them away too, but I don’t need their attention in the way I used to.

My perception on people has changed, everyone seems to be out for themselves, no one things about others anymore. I’ve often thought about joining a cult, i know they’re scams and drain you of money, but everyone seems censored to the outside world, they all seem happy and content with their falsely affectionate cult. I want to feel like I belong to someone, like im needed, I want to believe people when they say nice things, believe that people truly are decent.

It’s weird how it takes years and years to build up a close-knit bond with someone, you get to know everything about them and they become completely entwined in your life and then in the blink of an eye, you don’t mean anything to them anymore. I can’t get my head around it, I just couldn’t do that to someone.

Today things got worse for me and I’ve realised I need to do something about it, I just don’t know what. I need help.



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Posted by on October 4, 2011 in friends, self loath, trust