My next post will cover the Nashville part of my trek.
Before I go into details, I have a confession to make. C is the only person I have told about Jemma and what happened in America. Both during and after my trip I was in conversation with C about my dilemma and my feelings for Jemma. She gave me good advice and told me to avoid having an affair, if not for K then for myself. She explained that I was bound to think less of myself later on if i went a head and did it. on top of that, the guilt would tear me apart. I had already considered myself as having an affair though as the kiss we shared was passionate and I did have feelings for her. C, I’m sorry, I told you a lie, I was so ashamed that I had cheated that I physically couldn’t tell anyone, not even you (who I feel that I can talk to about anything) , I was too embarrassed and ashamed of my actions to tell anyone. I was worried that people would judge me and think of me as a bad person (which I guess I deserve). In reality, I am just as bad as others that have cheated and C was right, I do regret it and I do think less of myself, especially as I am so against Cheating and affairs.
This is how it happened…
After I had explained that nothing could happen between us, we carried on as if nothing had happened, we still got on really well together and spent a lot of time together, we still sat next to each other on our way to Nashville and looking back, we were flirting quite heavily and just getting to know each other. I didn’t have the pressure backing up inside me though as I had explained my situation and therefore felt I had put a stop to things from getting out of hand.
Putting the Jemma story aside for a minute, Nashville was great, possibly the hottest I had experienced since my trip began. We set up our tents (On flat freshly cut lawn for the first time) and had a lovely hot shower. unfortunately, the swimming pool on the camp site was closed due to high levels of toxin or something! Better safe than sorry I guess, a dip in the pool would have been heavenly at that point though. I played pool/connect four and ping-pong for a while with Benidikt, Teddy (Korean chap), Natalie and Neil. I was undefeated at connect four untill I was halted in my tracks by German efficiency! Later on, Jemma and I went for a walk to explore the camp site, we strolled around looking at all the big RV’s that had rolled up and set up camp. Some of them were ridiculously big! How simple life would be if I could just pack up everything and drive somewhere new when I felt things were becoming stressful. She put me on the spot by asking my what I liked about her and why I was attracted to her at first. I won’t repeat my answer, you’ll just have to guess.
We all decided to eat at The Hard Rock Cafe in Nashville as Nashville is very music orientated. It is considered the home of Country music and ‘honky tonk’, although this isn’t my kind of music, it was really exciting to be in the middle of a place that centres around music. American’s love their country music. We had to wait an hour for a table so we went to a local bar for a drink. As we had planned to go to the Jim Beam Whiskey distillery the next day, Dave decided we should try some Jim Beam, in the name of research of course. He bought a round of drinks for myself Graeme and Neil. This was my first taste of Bourbon / Whiskey and my first impressions can’t really be repeated here! Graeme then decided to get us all an aniseed flavoured Whiskey, we drank that and had some other kind of Whiskey I can’t even remember. Finally I got a round of Long Island Ice Teas which finished me off. We had live music in the form of a Country cowboy who was obviously a hit with the middle-aged women. To be fair, he wasn’t bad, he went around the tables talking to everyone in between his songs. I left that place completely out of this world, I loved everyone I was with, I loved life and it was still warm outside even thought it was about 8pm and the sun had long gone down.
We went to The Hardrock and I ordered the biggest America looking cheese burger I could find complete with Onion rings and all. It went down a treat. I felt like I had sobered up a little due to the food, this was good as I was slightly worried that I felt like that so early on in the night. We went to another bar and continued to chat to one another and dink whiskey Sours, at some point a few of us started dancing along to the country music. Before long we’d managed to get the majority of the place dancing. I would never have done this sober, so I have Whiskey to thank for me looking like a complete wally. Everyone was getting a little emotional now as you do when you have a drink, arms were flailing everywhere and people were expressing their love for each other. Jemma had her arms around me for the best part of an hour.
Things quickly went down hill, a group of 6 or so american lads came into the bar. One took a shine to Kerry who was completely gone, we all stayed close to her as we could see she wasn’t with it. This guy tried talking to er and to drag her away from the rest of us. A few of us told her to get some water as she’d had too much, I watched as she went to the bar with the guy’s eye’s locked onto her. He went over to her, put his arm around her and walked her towards the exit. Graeme saw this aswell and we both went out after them. We told him she wasn’t interested and to leave her alone, she was grateful. We went back into the bar and i spotted Jemma chatting to one of the other american lads. I watched and she grabbed him and started dancing. I was really confused, It shouldn’t have bothered me, we had no ties to each other and we weren’t in a relationship. I got a little upset and decided to call it a night. I walked around Nashville alone, not really knowing where I was going and a little tipsy. I managed to find my way back to The Hardrock where we were to wait for the bus to bring us back to camp site, it was 1:05 in the morning and the bus wasn’t due till 1:30, I sat down and felt myself slipping away. I tried my hardest to stay awake, a few minutes later, Jemma magically appeared by my side, she had her arms around me and was crying. She explained that she wasn’t thinking right and was sorry for going off with the American lad, I tried to put on a face and pretend it didn’t bother me but she must have seen right through it. The rest is a blank, I don’t remember getting n the bus or getting off. The next thing I remember seeing was my tent. As I woke I had and realised I had no recollection of the last 20 minutes, I had a massive panic attack. I couldn’t catch my breath and was aware that my breathing was getting heavier and heavier. this must have scared the life out of Jemma, se panicked big time. she held my hand and stroked my face untill things died down. She walked me into my tent and lay down with me. I apologised for my attack and thanked her for looking after me, she then kissed me. I am not proud of what happened next but it ended in her stopping the night in my tent and creeping out early in the morning before anybody was up to see. There, It’s all out. It’s a big relief to tell people this, even if I don’t know you (apart from you C, you reading this worries me)
P.s. I didn’t take my camera with me to Nashville so all photos are from other Monika’s facebook!!!