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Dilemas

 

It’s been a busy few days for me and I don’t know where to start. I suppose I should start by warning potential readers that this is likely to be a whiney post about my problems and there won’t be any pictures to view this time. this is purely a post about my life, my problems and my messed up confused and emotionally numb head.

 Right, now that you’ve all left. I can continue. I best start with the whole cheating episode. K knows I’ve cheated on her, she found out a little while after I left her by raiding my Facebook and reading my personal messages. I should be angry about this I guess, but I just don’t care. I should be feeling guilty about cheating on her, but I just don’t care. I should be moving on but I just don’t seem to care. I’m stuck in a rut and don’t seem to care about anything at the moment. I’ve lost the ability to worry and care and be bothered about anything. There’s a million things I need to do and there all piling up. This usually results in a big anxiety attack where I rush about making lists of things to do and madly trying to do the things on them like there’s not tomorrow. It will hit me soon I’m sure.

Back to K. After our argument which resulted in us breaking up and her taking everything she ever bought out of my house. I thought, “that’s it. She’s gone, It’s over. Time to move on with my life and concentrate on other things”. Then she found out I’d cheated. I continued to think, ” It’s definitely over now, there’s no way she’ll want to get back with me anyway”. As usual I was wrong. things couldn’t just be that simple for me.

This next bit may paint K in a bit of a negative light but I’m only stating the facts remember, make of it what you will. She rang me explaining that she was pregnant. she hadn’t taken a test but she just knew. This story line had been used far too many times ion TV and in films. Boyfriend leaves his girlfriend, Girlfriend wants boyfriend back, Girlfriend tell’s boyfriend she’s having his baby. coincidence she tells me just after we split? hmmm. It gets better. I tell her to take a test. she decides to book an appointment with the doctor instead. ( This all happened late on Saturday / Sunday) Monday morning at 8:15,  I get a text from her saying that she has been to the doc’s, she was experiencing pain and found out that she was in the process of losing the baby.

The thought of me being a dad did creep into my mind I’ll admit. I knew (and told her) that it wouldn’t be a good idea for us to bring up a child with all our problems and the fact that we’d just split up. But still, I could have a child, It scared me and excited me. Then the thoughts that she may be lieing to get me back and may have made it all up hit me. Before I had time to process it all (I needed a lot of time to figure things out) I was told that it’s gone and it’s not an issue anymore.

Ok so back to square one right? NO! K continued to text / call me explaining that she still wants to be with me and she can forgive me if I forgive her for hacking into Facebook.( She fails to realise that this isn’t the main issue. We’d split up before all that happened. I just don’t have feelings for her anymore) I don’t like hurting or upsetting people and tried my hardest to keep her from being hurt over it all. Obviously I have mixed feelings. My head is everywhere, she continues to ‘persudae’ me that things will be different if we gave things another try.

Right I feel better now all that’s out. I know in my heart what I need to do but its difficult to go along with.

If there’s anyone who made it to the end of this post…

a) congratulations for not falling asleep or switching to something else

b) I’m sorry

DD

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plenty more fish in the sea but I’m stuck in a rock pool!

So, K and I have split up. It was inevitable really, we hadn’t been getting on for some time. It’s difficult to put my finger on why we weren’t getting along. We just didn’t see eye to eye on most things and she seemed to want to argue over everything. It was a bad ending with lot’s of shouting and bag packing. All trace of her has now been removed from my house.

I’m having mixed feelings about the whole situation, I feel that it was the right thing to do but at the same time, I’m scared. I’m single again, I was getting use to being single when I met K but still missed having someone to hold and be soppy with.Que the fear of being alone for the rest of my life. This morning I though I missed her. I had to remind myself that I wasn’t happy with her and it was most likely that I was just missing ‘someone’.

Soooo where does this leave me? Confused and dazed, as usual. I hate relationships!! Yes I do have plenty of things going on in my life to keep me busy. I can’t imagine a scenario where I bump into the women of my dreams though. Looks like it’s just me, Pan and a whole load of box sets for a while.

 

 
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Posted by on November 5, 2011 in relationships

 

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Thanks sis

1 photo of myself –

Welcome my friends to the end.

Meet me age 5. My sister to the left and my dad in the middle. Obviously I don’t remember much about this time of my life. One thing I do remember is that T-shirt though. I use to wear it all the time, I loved it. I remember my hair being as bad as it looks here, thanks for that mom. This was just after my sister got out of hospital. She was there for most of her 4th year with a brain tumor. It was removed and everything was fine. Obviously she got a lot of attention from then on wards. She was always surrounded by family and friends, even people she didn’t really know. I think this is one of the reasons I became so shy. I got use to no attention, I didn’t want it anyway. I was quite happy to play on my own with a few toys in a corner somewhere. I know it sounds like I’m looking at all this as a negative but reality is, it’s a positive. If I had more confidence, I’d be more of a dick head. I’d have no respect for people or things, I could have been a chav or a wife beater. I could have had 4 children by 3 different women, the list is endless. So thanks sis

P.S I split up from K today. just saying

DD

 
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Posted by on November 5, 2011 in family, friends, Uncategorized

 

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find me!!!!!

Today was another long day for me but it’s playing on my mind that I haven’t blogged for a while. A new apprentice has started at work and I’ve been put in charge of him… great! It means that I can’t start and finish when I want, I now have to come up with reasons as to why I want to bugger off early or have a sleep in. It doesn’t help that he’s really clever, he picks me up on every little mistake that I make and has even found a few shortcuts that I missed. while this does have it’s good points, It also puts me under a little pressure. I hat to get up at 6.30 today to make sure I was in the office in time for him!

K stopped at mine last night for the first time in a while. We had a massive argument a few days ago and it ended in me telling her I’m not happy with our relationship and that I think were not working. The argument was over something small, It basically centred around whether we should take some water to our local pet store from the fish tank because one of the fish dies. We were told we could have the water tested for free, so there wa no reason not to really (which was my argument). She knew I was right but continued to argue that there was no point because it would only tell us that the ammonia levels will be a bit high because we took the filter out while we treated the fish!  This argument went on for about an hour, we dug up everything as usual until it got to the point where I just couldn’t stand to be around her anymore. I told her I don’t love her anymore and we’ve been falling apart for some time.

In the end she agreed to give me some space. During this time I ave missed being in a relationship. I know she’s not the right person for me but I honestly don’t think I’ll find anyone else. i know that sounds bad, I shouldn’t be with her if I have thoughts of leaving but I just don’t know what to do. Anybody have any suggestions?

My problem is that I lack confidence in a big way doubled with the fact that I’m not really sociable or good-looking. I wish finding someone who you get a long with and are attracted to would be easier, there’s no science or statistics to it, which is why I can’t grasp it. I mean, I have a lot to offer, I consider myself to be kind and considerate, I love making people happy and trying to help them anyway possible, I can be a little geeky which probably doesn’t help matters but I do love being silly and having a laugh and I consider myself to be quite loyal (I know I have made mistakes, but if I was in love with K then that would never have happened). materialistically I have a positive side too I have my own car and house, I have a decent job and get on well with my family. Ok this is starting to sound like a dating site add but the reality is, I have loads of bad points too. I already mentioned that I’m not good looking, I’m not happy with my body at all, I find it hard to see why anybody could be physically attracted to me. I think I’m boring too, I enjoy my geeky interests and hobbies but they’re not the kind of thing you advertise to the opposite sex – not unless your trying to send them to sleep. mentally, I’m not the most stable of people. I have breakdowns every now and again when life gets too hard. I get stressed easily and panic a lot. I’m over protective and can be a little clingy some times, I get jealous easily and hate being on my own.

C has her own relationship problems.  Everybody probably does. I’d give anything for someone to think about me in the way C thinks about the guy she likes. She is totally head over heals for him and practically worships him. I’d be the happiest person alive if anybody cared about me as much as that. I feel sorry for her though because this bloke seems to be messing her about. From what I know of it, he like’s her too. He’s in an unhappy relationship and won’t leave her for C though. (she hasn’t asked him too and they’re not dating, but he must know that there’s a thing between them, It’s plain to see) He clearly doesn’t know how lucky he is to have someone as nice as C devoted to him like she is. apart of me is worried that if they do get together, I’ll hear from her less,  It’s common in my experience to lose friends over new partners. My life would be far worse without her as a friend though and the thought of it makes me anxious enough to need a little self medication. At the same time though, I want her to be happy. She deserves to be happy and I’d take comfort in the fact that she would be happy. even though I know she’ll probably read all this, It’s stuff that I could never tell her, it would come out wrong if I tried.

Girls don’t get to see most of these negative points because they don’t give me the time of day in the first place. I get nervous and shy when a girl shows interest in me. I over thinking the situation and always try yo guess how they feel or what they’re thinking. I can’t read the signs, I can’t even tell if there are signs there anyway! Things would be better if there was some kind of a course that I could take. I’m good at learning things.

My point is, I’m not a bad person. I just wish the right person would hurry up and realise they’re ment to be with me and come find me.

DD

 
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Posted by on October 19, 2011 in relationships

 

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May day

Today was a ‘may day’. I refer to it as this as the downward
Spiralling action of a jet fighter is perfect for describing my feelings and the useless way my brain decides to work on one of these days. It takes one negative thought to push me over the edge. Today’s theme for this down ward spiral
revolved around missing people. I often loose interest in life and just sit in the garden unable to stimulate myself to
Do anything, at least today the weather was nice for this kind of thing! But I couldn’t help but wonder how different things would be if Z was here with me in our little house playing happy families. I knew she’d gone of on holiday with her new fella which probably didn’t help matters but today I really missed her. Why is it that I can only think of the good times we had together when I think of her and tend to block out the crappy things like the arguments, the cheating and so on. Even though she betrayed my trust and gave me mental issues that I never think I’ll be rid of, I’d still take her back in a heart beat if she asked me to, it’s a good job she’s happy without me. This iswhen I first felt myself start to spiral out of control, I knew it was going to be one of those days where I feel sorry for myself and dwell on everything negative. I hate it when I get into one of these moods, it’s not until after that I realise that I’m being ignorant and not thankful for everything I do have in life. Back to the spiralling motion anyway… The thought of missing Z and the usual thoughts that creep in telling me that I pushed her away and I’m not good enough for someone like her only make things worse. Its like by brain actively seeks out everything that’s similar that has happened in my life. Thoughts of my 1st ex and the rocky way in which we ended springs to mind closely followed by memories of the day J stopped talking to me.my brain, unsatisfied with the big losses to the people
Closest to me, decides to scrape the barrel and read into matters that deep down I know aren’t there but for some reason get dreamt up anyway. I use the obvious one of my mom moving to another country, I know this has nothing to do with me but my brain decides that for today only, it’s totally my fault and she’s abandoned me. I seem to actively look for things and to some extent, make things up in order to fuel the shitty feeling – why I do this? I have no idea. I miss everybody today, i feel lonely and trapped in my little garden even though i know that the closest people are
only a few phone buttons away from me. I just can’t find it in me to do it though, in this over sensitive time the slightest thing becomes a negative, if I text someone and they don’t text back my brain goes through a dozen negative scenarios with the though that I’ve successfully pushed another person away at the centre of most of them. I miss my childhood, I miss playing out with neighbours after school, I miss C being here and randomly talking about nothing important. I even miss tv characters from programs that aren’t on anymore, yes it really does become that pathetic.
On a ‘may day’ all these things weight down on me and crush my normal thought process. Everything becomes 10 times harder to concentrate on and I begin to make mistakes, so after completing what little work I had to do to satisfy my boss till Monday, I decided sitting in the garden and letting my useless brain do it’s thing was the best action to take. One good thing though, the ‘may days’ of today are far safer then those of about a year ago. This is where I like to switch to metaphor mode… My spiralling hopelessly out of control jet plane has an eject button. I’ve always been to scared to use it, mainly because I haven’t got the balls and the fact that my deeply catholic nan would never be able to get her head around it, the thought of disappointing her hurts me more then anything else. I rarely think about the ‘eject’ button now, I guess I have become more confident that I can gain control of my brain and steer it back to safety in time. I like this metaphor because When I’m not spiralling out of control I feel like I’m on auto pilot, just getting by with life waiting for something to happen. My brains a crap pilot
DD

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Posted by on October 1, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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