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Category Archives: dissapointment

Jiminy Cricket!

I found this little critter on my last trip to Spain. i always ake sure to take my Macro lens with me when I go, I love hunting around for their weird and wonderful insects and plants. I managed to tak a few of him whilst he was happy sat on his leaf and a number of shots where he’d jumped off and I hadn’t even noticed. that was a fairly productive day for my camera and I. I can’t remember the last day i woke up and thought, “right, all I plan on doing today is to take a load of pictures”.

i guess a trip to Spain is what the Dr is trying to perscribe, a place where I can rest and not worry about the little problems that day to day life brings whilst back at home. I think I take better pictures when stress free too. i tend to worry less about people stairing at me with my big camera and lens and focus more on my surroundings and whats going on.

I’m in a place at the moment where there’s no one I can go with though. I like going off for a few hours on my own but would probably find it boring going over there on my own. So for now, my next trip to sapin is on hold. Could have done with some sun too!

DD

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Dilemas

 

It’s been a busy few days for me and I don’t know where to start. I suppose I should start by warning potential readers that this is likely to be a whiney post about my problems and there won’t be any pictures to view this time. this is purely a post about my life, my problems and my messed up confused and emotionally numb head.

 Right, now that you’ve all left. I can continue. I best start with the whole cheating episode. K knows I’ve cheated on her, she found out a little while after I left her by raiding my Facebook and reading my personal messages. I should be angry about this I guess, but I just don’t care. I should be feeling guilty about cheating on her, but I just don’t care. I should be moving on but I just don’t seem to care. I’m stuck in a rut and don’t seem to care about anything at the moment. I’ve lost the ability to worry and care and be bothered about anything. There’s a million things I need to do and there all piling up. This usually results in a big anxiety attack where I rush about making lists of things to do and madly trying to do the things on them like there’s not tomorrow. It will hit me soon I’m sure.

Back to K. After our argument which resulted in us breaking up and her taking everything she ever bought out of my house. I thought, “that’s it. She’s gone, It’s over. Time to move on with my life and concentrate on other things”. Then she found out I’d cheated. I continued to think, ” It’s definitely over now, there’s no way she’ll want to get back with me anyway”. As usual I was wrong. things couldn’t just be that simple for me.

This next bit may paint K in a bit of a negative light but I’m only stating the facts remember, make of it what you will. She rang me explaining that she was pregnant. she hadn’t taken a test but she just knew. This story line had been used far too many times ion TV and in films. Boyfriend leaves his girlfriend, Girlfriend wants boyfriend back, Girlfriend tell’s boyfriend she’s having his baby. coincidence she tells me just after we split? hmmm. It gets better. I tell her to take a test. she decides to book an appointment with the doctor instead. ( This all happened late on Saturday / Sunday) Monday morning at 8:15,  I get a text from her saying that she has been to the doc’s, she was experiencing pain and found out that she was in the process of losing the baby.

The thought of me being a dad did creep into my mind I’ll admit. I knew (and told her) that it wouldn’t be a good idea for us to bring up a child with all our problems and the fact that we’d just split up. But still, I could have a child, It scared me and excited me. Then the thoughts that she may be lieing to get me back and may have made it all up hit me. Before I had time to process it all (I needed a lot of time to figure things out) I was told that it’s gone and it’s not an issue anymore.

Ok so back to square one right? NO! K continued to text / call me explaining that she still wants to be with me and she can forgive me if I forgive her for hacking into Facebook.( She fails to realise that this isn’t the main issue. We’d split up before all that happened. I just don’t have feelings for her anymore) I don’t like hurting or upsetting people and tried my hardest to keep her from being hurt over it all. Obviously I have mixed feelings. My head is everywhere, she continues to ‘persudae’ me that things will be different if we gave things another try.

Right I feel better now all that’s out. I know in my heart what I need to do but its difficult to go along with.

If there’s anyone who made it to the end of this post…

a) congratulations for not falling asleep or switching to something else

b) I’m sorry

DD

 

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“Fear leads to Anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering”

Fear

noun
A distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. Synonyms: foreboding, apprehension, consternation, dismay, dread, terror, fright, panic, horror, trepidation, qualm. Antonyms: courage, security, calm, intrepidity.
     Why are little girls so creepy???

Where to start. Most of the things I’m fearful of aren’t real. They are figments of my imagination, things that I have over thought like endless bad scenarios.

1. The fear of being alone. I’ve had this fear from as early as I can remember. At school I was always worried about walking around without any friends by my side. It made me anxious, I’m not sure whether it was actually being alone or the idea that other people would see me alone, Either way it caused me considerable stress. This progressed to the fear of being alone relationship wise. I tend to tell myself that I’m happier and better on my own. But given time, the feeling that I need to belong to someone creeps in and takes over, I start to panic that I won’t find anyone and no one will ever love me. An overwhelming pressure to find a partner comes over me and the anxiety drops in when I realise that there’s too much wrong with me. I’ve lived alone for 9 months now and have never really felt lonely by myself. Although I have noticed that I always have to have the TV or radio on in the background, even if I’m not really paying any attention to it. I can only put this down to the psychological feeling that someone is with me and I’m not alone.

2. Ruining my life. This started around GCSE era. The fear of failing scared me into revising and trying my hardest. I was worried that I wouldn’t get a job. This thought led to a chain of events in my head that got progressively worse. From being jobless it led to being homeless from there it spiraled to being to embarrassed to speak to my family or ask for help so I’d leave and live in some city far away. I’d never have a family of my own or luxuries or a nice car. It’s this fear that helps me to meet deadlines and put effort into things that I don’t really want to do but have to.

3 The fear of being scared itself. As mentioned before, I suffer from panic / anxiety attacks. when I feel one growing inside and I’m in a public place, the very thought of everybody watching me and thinking I’m weird can increase the pressure of the attack. It’s a vicious circle.

4. Jail/ the law. I’m worried I’ll be wrongly accused of something due to a misfortunate set of circumstances that would lead people to believe I am guilty. Worse still, I’m worried I’ll commit a crime and be caught. the though of facing my family and their disappointment scares the life out of me. Even more scary though is Her Majesties fine penitentiaries… The thought of being bummed by a big bald bloke in the showers is enough to strike fear in to anyones hearts. I’m a wimp, I wouldn’t last 5 minutes in prison.

5. The opposite sex and their uncanny ability to make blokes do what they want them to do. The power girl’s have over us is unbelievable and not matter how hard I try, I don’t think I could resist the charms of a flirty girl showing me a bit of interest. I’m pretty sure a girl will lead me into a whole heap of trouble one of these days!

6. Tuna – don’t ask

7. Horses. This is kind of linked to an experience I mentioned on Wednesday’s blog. I fell off one and I’ve always had a healthy respect for them ever since. AND they have big round black eyes!! Too creepy.

8. Wasting my life. Every now and again I think about my life and where it’s going. I think about the third of it that’s already gone and worry that the best bits are behind me, that it will be all down hill from now on. I fell that I’m stuck in a rut and nothing will change for years and years. I guess I’m scared that I’ll get to my death bed, look back and regret not living a more exciting life

This doesn’t really count because it’s not real but I ‘m scared of velociraptors and T-Rex’s (The one’s from Jurassic Park) they’re just too clever and vicious. Oh and aliens, I left them out because I spoke about them enough the other day!

DD

 

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Why don’t Aussie’s ever seem stressed?

By the time we got back to the hotel in Newark, everybody looked really miserable. We had a few last photos together and gave Graeme our combined tip to say thanks for the wonderful job he did as out guide. Dave and a few others left straight away to catch their flight from New York and a few others had booked a night at the gateway hotel where we had started and finished our tour. I had two days in New York and nowhere to sleep. I didn’t want to book because I knew I’d make friends whilst out there and wanted to see if I could get a room in the place where the person I was closest to was staying. Jemma and Neil had both booked a room in the hotel and had a few days in New York too so I was quite keen to stick with them. I can’t remember how much a room was in their hote, but I remember it was a Hilton and wasn’t cheap. All rooms in America seemed to be double, whether that’s to accommodate the ‘larger’ guests I don’t know. Jemma asked if I wanted to stay in her room for the night and we’d hook up with Neil to share a taxi into New York the next day. I snuck into Jemma’s room worried I’d get caught. Luckily, it all went smoothly and I had a bed to stop in for the night. I don’t know what I would have done if I did get caught. There wasn’t another hotel around and it cost something like $80 to get into New York, I didn’t fancy doing it on my own.

The room was lovely, I enjoyed a hot bath, must have stayed in there for about an hour just soaking up the lovely hot water, I’d missed a good bath. We got room service and had all sorts of chicken and chips, it was nice but a little other priced.

The next morning we met with Neil and continued to the hostel we’d booked in New York. Both Neil and I were in a male dorm while Jemma was on a different floor with the girls. We dumped our stuff and headed out the door.

K had given me a list of cosmetic stuff she wanted me to bring back for her, I only had 2 days in NY so wanted to get them out the way quickly and not have to worry about rushing around trying to find them. We took a long walk through Central Park. I have never been in such a magical park. I’d seen it from the rockafella building before and it looked quite small but it took us a long time to walk through half of it down to times square.

   

We also went to see the spot where the World Trade Centre use to be. This was horrible, the feeling of knowing that thousands of people died where i was standing haunted me. There was an eery silence around the place. We visited the 9-11 museum, we decided after visiting that it wasn’t a good idea to have gone. The pictures of people pinned to the wall who had died and the artifacts that had been recovered from the site was just as harrowing as standing next to the spot where it happened. We heard horrific tales from people who were there on the day and people who had lost loved ones, it truly was one of the saddest things I had been to. I felt like joining the army just to make a difference and help fight against the people who did it.

We  went on the ferry to Staten Island. This is a free ferry that brings you quite close to the statue of Liberty. Another thing to tick of my list. We didn’t actually spend much time on Staten Island itself, it started to rain and we wanted to go back and get ready for dinner. We ate at Planet Hollywood in Times Square, the food was lovely but the cocktails were even better. We stayed there a while before hitting an Irish bar for a few drinks.

 

We traveled everywhere using the subway, this was pretty straight forward to work out once we’d got the hang of the numbering system that they used for the streets above us.I was dreading having to catch the subway by myself to Pen station. From there I had to catch a train to Newark airport and catch my flight home on my own. Neil caught an earlier flight to Manchester and Jemma was staying in NY for a little longer by herself. I felt really bad leaving her, we were both upset that we had to leave. I spent my last few hours in NY eating pizza and lying on the bed chatting to her. We swapped books too. I loved this idea, when ever I missed her or felt sad, I could just pick up her book and start reading. It reminded me of her and it didn’t take me long to finish it. Luckily there were two other books in the series so I got and read them too!I hope she’s taking good care of my book!

I managed to het to my fav photography shop while I was in NY. Everytime I visit America I seem to get something new from there. This time was no exception, I came away with a very geeky looking photography bag. I had been eyeing it up for some time and fell in love with it as soon as I saw it.

So that’s the end of my trek to America. I was definitely glad I went now and although I got off to a rocky start, I can honestly say I had the best time of my life there and I haven’t been happy since I got back. I hope to go on another trek some day. It inspired me to do a few things back at home aswell. I enjoyed the camping aspect of it so much that I decided to become a scout leader. Hopefully I will have loads of good times learning new things and camping in the UK aswell too.

I speak to Jemma every now and again although its hard when were on the opposite sides of the world. I hope to go over and visit her in australia some time, nut gathering the money together when you own a house ans pay all the bills yourself is quite difficult. I think one day I’ll move out there, you never see a stressed Aussie!

DD

 

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Fingers, Frights and Falls

We moved on from Cedar Point to the finger lakes. (supposedly called this as they resemble fingers on a map) The camp we stayed at was ok, it was secluded and in wood lands, only problem was, we had to pitch our tents on a slight slope. This was very awkward when it cam to sleeping, A number of times in the night I woke to find myself at the entrance of my tent towards the bottom! I practically had to dig a trench at the top of the tent incase it rained, there is nothing worse than waking up in a wet tent with all your clothes and things soaked! Jemma Stayed in my tent that night too. It was nice to have her company over night, she wasn’t feeling very well and we were talking. We stayed up so late that we were too tired to move so just fell asleep next to each other.

Earlier that day we went to a nearby town, I wish I could remember the name of the town, It was really quaint and cosy. I think it was a college town or something, there were a lot of students around. We all went into a small coffee and ice cream shop and ordered ice creams. The owner must have died of shock when 14 random customers came through his doors at the same time! From there we went to a liquor store. It was our last night together as a group so we decided to go over bored with the drinks and make a real celebration out of it. Once the drinks had been accounted for, we stopped at one of the finger lakes for a swim.

At first it looked a little scary but others were doing it. There was actually a life guard on duty and a sectioned off part of the lake to swim in. The water was dark though and the lake was huge, I’ve never been a strong swimmer so the thought of going out of my depth worried me a lot. A fair distance out was a floating stage where the life guard sat, there was also a small diving board attached to it. I decided that I’d try and swim across to it, It looked quite far. I knew I could swim the distance easily but it worried me that it was a natural lake and it was bound to me extremely deep by the stage(raft, what ever the hell it was) I had visions of underwater monsters grabbing my feet and dragging me down, the water was a dark green kind of colour. I swam around with Kerry, Benadikt and Adam for a while until we had to leave the lake. There I was concentrating on staying a float and looking out for monsters when the life guard stands up, grabs a loud speaker thingy and yells telling everyone to get out of the water immediately and it’s not a drill! I panicked bug time, I had no idea what was going on and how much danger I was in. Visions of Jaws flashed before my eyes, it was just like that scene where everybody realises there’s a shark in the water and swims to shore as fast as they can. Once safely on dry land, the lifeguard explained that there was a massive electrical storm coming and the lake would be closed for the rest of the evening. So no need to scare the life out of us and cause me to almost drowned, but hey.

We all played with a frisbee untill Graeme came and picked us up. We were prepared for a big storm (and a wet tent) but no rain came, there was a few minutes of thunder and lightning and it was over.

That night was an emotional one, everybody knew that it was our last night camping together and that we’d all have to go our separate ways late the next day. I hated the thought of leaving America and all the new friends I had made behind. I would miss the life style too, I had had the most relaxing two weeks of my life and knowing me, I’d have thought it would have been the most stressful two weeks. I sat in my fold away chair staring into the open fire thinking about all the amazing things I had seen and done while on my trip, I thought about life at home, the pressures and stress that work and just being in the UK cause me.

Morning came to quickly, we had to get off early to get to Niagara falls. I packed my tent away for the last time, apart of me wanted to try and sneak it home, I’d become attached to the thing even though it was a pain in the arse! In fact, I wanted to kidnap everyone and their tents, bring them back to my house and have them live in my garden with a camp fire.

Niagara falls was a bit of a disappointment. For one, there is no single water fall called Nigra falls. It is a collective group of waterfalls. To me, this was like being told that Santa doesn’t exist. secondly, the falls weren’t as big as I thought they would be. Yes the amount of water flowing that them was pretty spectacular and the sound was deafening but I just thought they would be taller. Still, it’s good to be able to say I have seen them and gone on the Maid of the Mist boat that floats right into the thick of it, that was good fun. cheesy moment… Jemma and I reenacted the scene from Titanic with Jack and Rose at the front of the boat, it had to be done.

   

I didn’t realise that Niagara Falls is in the state of New York or that New York shared the Niagara Falls with Canada. It was pretty amazing to know that Canada was only across the river from us. I’ve always wanted to go there.

From Niagara we drove back to the hotel where it all started in Newark. This wasn’t the end though. I still had 2 nights to go. I’ll save that story for next time though.

DD

 

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